Some Things (also known as a brain dump)

1.  It's the end of the school year.  Thus begins a steady diet of diet soda, pop chips, and ridiculous stories told in front of students.  The best part about teaching high school is regents week.  It kind of reminds me of finals in college, except more scheduled.

2.  This year, the end of the school year is kind of an s-show.  I think everyone who is anybody is looking for a job or finding a way to get out of the building.  My boss told me that I had "peaked" in the classroom.  Fortunately for me, I'm a step ahead of her and looking to leave this place.

3.  I think I may be the only person in the world for whom Weight Watchers does not work.  I have only managed to gain weight while on it, and it has only managed to screw up my already bizarre relationship with food.  I'm simultaneous disappointed and vindicated by this news.  It has also managed to suck some of the joy from my life in a bizarre way.

4.  For the first time in my professional life, I'm considering working in the summer.  Not teaching summer school or anything silly like that, but something that will keep me a little bit busy and pay some bills.  Suggestions?

5.  I find myself overwhelmed easily these days.  Right now, I currently have some sort of plan for every single weekend through the end of July.  Granted, I tend to be a plan maker, but at the moment, these plans exist largely to freak me out, I'm convinced.

6.  My sleeplessness is rearing its ugly head again.  I only fear it will get worse in the summer.  The cycle of anxiety I'm sure isn't helping.

7.  I don't like air conditioners.  (For what it's worth, I don't particularly like heaters either.)

8.  I get remotely offended when people tell me that I should wear my hair straight all the time.  I like it curly. Are you trying to tell me that I look bad daily?

9.  The number one thing I miss about having a boyfriend is having my back rubbed on a regular basis.

99 Things

Yesterday, I had a make up consultation where they put me in ridiculous blue eye shadow and fake lashes. I also lost almost eight pounds in three days. Methinks the scale is busted.

Below, as stolen from Kimbo, is a list of 99 Things.  Things I've done are bolded.

1. Started your own blog 
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band 
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (disneyworld)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis (my mom found a dead one in our backyard, and then pulled it out of the trash for me to look at.  Does that count?)
10. Sang a solo (I played a flute solo in the band...I'm counting it.  It was scary.)
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightening storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning 
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables 
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill obviously.
 24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
  26. Gone skinny dipping 
27. Run a Marathon 
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
  34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing 
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David 
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight 
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted 48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person 
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris 
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling 
52. Kissed in the rain 
53. Played in the mud 
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie 
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching 
 63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy 
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial 
71. Eaten Caviar 
72. Pieced a quilt 
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been rfired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle 
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit 
98. Owned a cell phone 
99. Been stung by a bee


I clock in at 49.  You?

blargh

Six years into teaching, and I still get the back to work blues after every break.

Boo.

Swaddled

                                                     

Some people might call me manic.  I am constantly moving, usually from the time I wake up in the morning to the moments when I (can't) fall asleep at night.  I am always busy and moving around, even when I'm just chatting on the phone.  I've found that I usually can't leave well enough alone in my home, so if I'm home, I'm straightening or cleaning or pretending to do those things so I feel productive.  More often than not, rather than actually be productive in my home, I go out and take LONG walks.  Sitting still isn't something I do well.

I've tried to get better about relaxing, and since he moved out, there have been a few weekends where I just laid around the house.  Sometimes this is great.  Sometimes, it makes me fussy.

Let me share a scene from our living room on Sunday afternoon.  It's clearly about 5:00pm, and I am clearly still in my pajama pants.  It is also frigid in our living room.  (No, this is not ice queen like tendencies inherited from my mother.  We just have poor heating systems in our otherwise lovely apartment.)  I am wrapped in a blanket, whining and complaining.  I may or may not be making awkward squawking noises.  At this point, I could have theoretically gotten dressed and left the house so I would be less fussy, but I was committed to not leaving my home.  So, I continued to make unearthly noises until finally my ever patient roommate came up with a solution.

He swaddled me.  In the manner of a baby.  I was freezing, so he wrapped not one, not two, but three fleecy blankets around my full sized adult self, so I could not move my arms, my legs, or at all, for that matter.  I was cocooned in Target brand fleece.  While he attempted to swaddle me, I obviously fussed and flailed.  

Until I was swaddled.  I stopped fussing immediately and got warm and cozy, and was able to turn my attention fully to the eighth episode of "How I Met Your Mother" that was clearly of epic importance.

His response to why he swaddled me:  "You were fussy.  Sometimes, swaddling helps a fussy baby."

Clearly, despite the fact that I am a grown adult woman, wrapping me in blankets is the way to get me to calm down.

Think this will work with all people?

Valentine's Day is the Best Day of the Year!

Ok, so maybe that's an overstatement.

But I love me some Valentine's Day.

What's not to like?  It's a day to tell people in your life that you love them.  It doesn't hurt that yummy treats, good chocolate, and fresh flowers are all usually associated with it too.

I have always loved Valentine's Day.  I loved it as a kid.  I loved it as a high schooler.  I love it as an adult.  I loved it even when I was single.  (I got dumped the Sunday before Valentine's Day my senior year of college because apparently I was still in love with my ex.  When I wrote him a card, he called me drunk and told me that my grammar was wrong.  I still love Valentine's Day.)  Even when I couldn't be with person I was dating, my friends and I always did something fun and fabulous.

I think everyone should go out of their way on Valentine's Day to remind the people in their life that they are important and loved.  It's a day to indulge in corny stuff.  And personally, I LOVE corny stuff.

He and I spent TEN Valentine's Days together.  We were never big V-day people.  We were long distance for most of our relationship, so we usually just tried to go visit each other over that weekend.  My sophomore year of college we spent the entire weekend in bed (still my favorite).   At the time, there weren't a lot of flowers or candies or chocolates, because just seeing each other was enough.  (And we were broke college students.)  In 2007, we went to Chevy's for Valentine's Day dinner, because I (used to) love me a (virgin) margarita.  (Seriously, though, tequila makes me sick.)  We tried the romantic route once, and neither one of us particularly liked it.  We went to London once (which was pretty spectacular), and then we usually just got ethnic food and cuddled.  It wasn't that different from another night, but it was nice to be together.

Even though I am newly single, I'm STILL psyched about Valentine's Day.  I'm not sure what I'm doing yet, but here is my Valentine's Planning/Gift Guide/Wish List.


Valentine's Gifts for Anyone in your Life:

1.  Dinner

You have to eat dinner every day.  Might as well make it special.  Personally, I'd prefer a hole in the wall local restaurant or a favorite diner, but going out always makes it nice.  If going out isn't in the cards, I'd love for someone to make me dinner (as I'm usually the one doing most of the cooking) and take care of the dishes.  Personally, I'm not a huge fan of take out, but it might work for some.  Just put it on plates so it looks nice!  Do this with your SigOt (that's an abbreviation for significant other.  I don't think it will catch on.)   Have dinner with your best friends.  Have dinner with your mom.  Have dinner with your roommates.  But do something.

2.  A walk

I LOVE taking walks.  I love them.  Part of that comes from my polar bear guilt associated with driving my car places.  Part of that comes from being unable to sit still.  Part of it was because he and I always had roommates, so when we wanted alone time, we often took walks.  Still, walking is one of my favorite pasttimes.  I especially love walking in the cold.  So, an after dinner stroll?  Yes, please!


3.  Flowers

Repeat after me:  YOU CANNOT GO WRONG WITH FLOWERS.  Flowers are pretty, and smell nice, and girls like them.  They make a whole room seem better.  With me, bonus points if they are bodega flowers that you picked up on your commute home.  They don't need to be a dozen long stemmed red roses (ew), but they do need to be from the heart.  I bought my college roommate miniature roses because she's small, and I bought my ex yellow roses because we were trying to be friends.  Flowers win.  Hands down.  Even if she isn't your girlfriend, you will be a knight in shining armor in her eyes if you get her flowers.

4.  Chocolate.

I like Guylian chocolates.  I also like those boxes that have the chocolates that are filled with something.  I like Valentine's Day because there's chocolate I wouldn't normally buy myself present.  Bonus points if you share it with each other.  He always liked to buy me chocolates so that we he could eat them.  Win-win.

5.  Something thoughtful.

Pajama pants?  a mix cd?  Throw my clothes in the laundry?  You're the best.  It's about showing someone you care.

6.  A card.

I LOVE cards.  It doesn't need to be schmoopy.  Just needs to be cute.  I try to get Valentine's Day cards for all the important people in my life on Valentine's Day.  Who doesn't love getting a card?

And a gift for your LOVAH:

7.  Lingerie.

                                                              Not this.  Please.  Not This.

I am, how would you say, well endowed.  I have been well endowed for the entirety of my adult life.  I have no shortage of nice bras (Literally, I feel like all bras in my size are see through), but lingerie was never on my radar.  Lingerie can mean different things to different ladies.  Boy shorts and a see through shirt?  A soft cotton nightgown?  Lace and bows and garter belts?  Yes please.  I would love to be on the receiving end of whatever my lovah wanted to see me in.  (A word of caution though--GET.THE.RIGHT.SIZE.  I'm very comfortable with myself, but it would have ruined my evening if something a received didn't fit.)

Happy Valentine's Day Kids!!  Any big plans?

BFFLS!

                                       On a boat near Tampa, FL.  Kim will turn progressively more red as the day goes on

(For those of you who don't know, BFFLs means "best friends for life."**  Obvi.  Duh.)

For the last three years (ish), I've had the distinct pleasure of living with my bestie, Kimbo.  Not only did Kimbo and I live together, we also have classrooms across the hall from each other.  And we drove to work together.  And drove home from work together.  And gossiped when we got home from work.  And went out to bars together.  And went on a vacations together.  And road trips together.  

At our first Team in Training Fundraiser Together.  Also, like 2pm

We basically spent the vast majority of our waking hours together.

We became friends kind of on a whim.  She was a fun new first year teacher, and I was still in fun "I'm-still-young-and-pretending-I'm-in-college mode."  There were a few tentative facebook wall posts.

Kimbo's second year of teaching and my third year of teaching, our classrooms were next to each other.  (Actually, the admin kicked Kimbo out of her classroom so I could have it and moved her next door.  I'm not complaining.  The room is prime classroom real estate.)  Not only were we hallway buddy lurkers, but we also had all the same prep periods.  We found ourselves in the teachers' lounge together ALL the time.  On Wednesdays, we taught the exact same schedule.  

We didn't actually stay at the Atlantis.  We just took pictures in front of a dolphin fountain.

After Kimmy complained that she had no friends and basically never left the house on the weekend, we decided to set up a friend date.  Lunch at a burrito place on the West Side and a movie.  (We live fast paced here in New York.)  Before we went to the movie, she just wanted to go this meeting about running a marathon for charity--would I come with her?  

And thus, our friendship was born.  I don't know if it was the excitement of leaving the house or the prospect of margaritas after the movie, but somehow, against all odds, Kimmy and I signed up for a marathon together.  Namely, the ninth annual Country Music Marathon in Nashville!  We trained for our marathon together.  (Or we would instead take all of our running clothes to the west side, where we would then stop and get margaritas instead of going running.  Margarita Tuesdays?)  (Maybe this is why we didn't make any Team in Training friends?)  We met far too early in the morning to run silly races in Central Park. Even if Kim didn't make the start line, she was able to find me in the crowd (of 5000 runners!!  What's up with that?)  

                                             The first of TOO many races we ran together

Our roommate was moving and Kimmy decided to move in with us.  The first night she moved in, I was wearing a garbage bag smearing overripe avocado on my head.  She just took pictures.  Not only did she move into our apartment, but our classrooms were now across from each other.  The children just knew to expect us together.  

Everyone thought that we should be sick of each other.  Everyone thought that we may be at each others throats.  Instead, we just spent ALL of our time together.  I could look through the window in my classroom and give her looks that said, "Is it Friday yet?"  We could go home and explode with work gossip and rage that no one else should ever have to witness.  We could have Taylor Swift dance parties (both in our classrooms and at Karaoke nights at bars.)  We could have ABC Family Harry Potter Weekends!  (Although, I'm fairly sure we never did.)  We could pretend to be running buddies  (although Kim did more of the running, even though I had managed to sign up for another marathon.)  She even turned me onto The Office!  For the better part of two years, I woke up to Kimmy knocking on my door telling me our ride to work was on the way.

At a bar in CocoCay in the Bahamas.  Yeah, it's like 2pm

We moved into new apartments, found new issues to gripe with in our classrooms (this, at least, will always be constant), had break ups and new boyfriends, and navigated into our mid to late twenties together.  We went on a cruise to the Bahamas together.  She helped me fully embrace the year of "Why not?"  Kimmy was my girl compatriot in an apartment full of boys.  (That said--Kim and I make more "that's what she said" jokes than all the boys combined.  Woops.)  

                                             Unofficial Work Holiday Party with my other Bestie (and our roomie!) in 2008

                                              

Kimmy and I were reminiscing over our shared lunch period about a time when she still lived in Harlem and I lived in Queens.  It's hard to remember.  I know I have memories of living with Rachel, and they were happy hilarious memories of our first apartment and living at my parents' house for a while), but the idea that Kim and I didn't always live in the same space.  WEIRD.

Kimmy has recently moved to her own beautiful apartment a little bit less than a mile from me.  You would think that we see each other enough being that we still spend all day at work together, plus large parts of the weekend, plus the drive home.  And yet, I still miss her.  

Not everyone gets to have a classroom across the hall from their best friend.  

In our shared room in the Bahamas on a cruise.  Why not?

I guess I'm just lucky.

**I have a LOT of besties.  Kimmy is my NYC Girlfriend/Female Roomie in the apartment shared with multiple boys bestie.

Jack Frost Nose

Apparently one of my students thinks that I look like this character:

source:http://rouxedstewedandtattooed.wordpress.com/2011/02/03/jack-frost-needs-his-kicked/

 Let's compare:

 You know, I definitely see it.

 But nothing looks more like me than this:

On Not Sleeping

I dont sleep. Ever.

While technically that's not true, it's definitely how I've felt in the last few months.

Sleep was never a huge part of my life. I stayed up late as a child, but didn't seem to need the extra rest. As a teenager, I found that chatting on the phone and staying up to do all the school work I had to do won out over being well rested. College earned me some real sleep, but I was still usually an early riser. Throughout high school and college, my sleep was constantly delayed because late at night was often the only time we could find to chat during our long distance relationship.

Sleep problems started my senior year of college. The mixture of the boy and I breaking up, being in a terrible dysfunctional relationship, and having to deal with the impending doom of the real world lead to sleep anxiety.  I was having intimate relationships with Tylenol PM, Tylenol Simply Sleep, and NyQuil.  (Seriously, one week my roomie and I went through an entire bottle of NyQuil.  Not healthy or normal.)

When he and I split, the one thing I was looking forward to was the idea of getting a full night's rest.  He kept wonky hours and was frequently up until about 4am.  Combine his late hours with my light sleeping and anxiety about getting up for work, and it lead to a lot of sleepless nights and arguments.  The one thing I could relish was that I would finally get a whole night of uninterrupted sleep.  Even though I have always slept a little bit better with someone else in the room, I figured that consecutive hours of sleep would outweigh hearing someone next to me.

Such wishful thinking.

The first few nights of drugging myself helped, but I'm fairly certain that I didn't sleep during the entire month of August, save when I was listening to the Pacific Ocean crashing outside the window.

Sleep tends to allude me.  I get tired and want to sleep, but then as soon as I lay down, my mind starts racing.  I know all of the tricks.  Count backwards.  Count sheep.  Breathe in and out to counts of eight.  Say your prayers.  Turn the pillow.  Change sides of the bed.  Keep it cool.

I have taken every precaution.  I don't drink caffeine.  I don't keep a clock in my room.  I don't use electronics after 9pm.  I don't nap so I'll be tired in the evening.  I drink Trader Joe's well rested tea and Neuro Sleep.

Sometimes these things help me.  I get that wonderful drowsy feeling, and every now and again, I fall asleep.  But more often than not, I'm up far too late hoping and praying that sleep will come.

Sometimes I fall asleep, only to wake up absurdly early unable to keep sleeping, even when I'm tired.  (This actually leads to productivity--once I cleaned all the bathrooms in our apartment.)

The worst part of not sleeping is trying to explain sleeplessness to people who don't have it.  I stare enviously at people who fall asleep on the couch and can stay there.  I aspire to be the person who naps for a bit on a Saturday afternoon.  I want to sleep.  Sleep just doesn't want me.

People told me that that sleep would get better, that I was just adjusting to him moving out, that it would pass and everything would go back to normal.  It's been about six months, and I'm still in a position where sleep escapes me.  Sometimes, it seems to get better.  Other times, I feel like it is square one.

I'm hoping to just start exhausting myself so I pass out.  Another marathon, anyone?

                                       

                                        Source:  ahajokes.com

Things I Miss: Feeling Loved

                                            
                              
I was someone's girlfriend for the better part of ten years.  Some of my friends never knew me before I had a boyfriend.  I have clear memories of NOT dating him, but at some point he just became a fixture in my life as much as anything else that is part of your daily landscape.

It's been about six months since he's moved out, and about a year since we started this whole process.  (Word to the wise--although breaking up over a period of 7 months gives you a lot of time to adjust, it also DRAGS the process out.  That said--I'd do it again.  It certainly gave us time to work on our newfound roles in one another's lives.)  Some parts of the transition were easy.  He and I always had separate lives--our own friends, hobbies, interests--so that didn't change.  Some haven't been.  Despite the fact that it's been six months, some habits are hard to shake, and as much as I'm enjoying my suddenly (or really, not quite so suddenly) single status, there are things that I miss.

I miss the unconditional love.  Now, hear me out.  We fought.  A lot.  Some couples had mutual interests.  Ours was arguing.  We were professionals.  They would go on for hours, leading us both into sleepless nights and unintentional exhaustion.  Usually they were about seemingly innocuous things.  (Seriously.  Once we had an argument about a tortilla.  No, I am not kidding.)  We would argue, but at the end of the day, we always resolved our problems.  We had, or rather, I had a "don't go to bed angry rule" which meant that no matter how bad the argument was, we always got over it before bed.  Usually by the end, we both realized we were being ridiculous or irrational, and we could laugh about it.  While I don't miss the arguing, I do miss knowing that no matter how bad the arguments got, he still loved me.  That no matter how upset I was, or how angry he was, we would fall asleep in each other's arms, whispering "I love you."  Whether it was my best self, my worst self, or something in between, he was going to love me and laugh with me and be there for me.  Since we've split, I find myself censoring myself around my friends and family.  I can't be as upset as I want to be--or angry or silly or happy for that matter--because there isn't that guaranteed promise of love and acceptance.*  He loved me when I was sick, when I was cranky, when I was being ridiculous and silly.  I knew that I could (and still can) go to him regardless of the state I'm in.  Maybe I should have been on my best behavior more often, but sometimes it's nice not to be "on."  There was a safety that existed between us, even in those horrible moments.  We knew we'd get through it, and be forgiven, and move forward.

Our relationship was never easy by nature.  In fact, I think we had to work far too hard to coexist, which may be the reason we're not together anymore.  But even still, there is an ease and familiarity that comes with dating someone long distance for the better part of five years and then living with them.  You learn how to circumnavigate the difficult parts.  You develop patterns and routines.  You know how conversations are going to go before you have them.  Even now, when there is tension and difficult between us, there is also an ease.  An ease of knowing that it's ok to be honest, an ease of knowing that you can shoot down the suggested dinner location, and ease of fitting together when you hug goodbye.

This part of my life is new, and I'm excited to see what happens next, but sometimes, I miss the ease.

*I have amazing friends who are there for me in every way a girl could ever dream of.  This is by no means a criticism so much as just learning how to navigate these new waters for me.  My friends have seen my cranky side too.  Lucky them.

(A Third of) my 30 before 30

I am 27 years old.

Sometimes, 27 makes me feel very old.  I live in a fancy-ish apartment,  have a completely stocked kitchen,  cook real "family" meals at least three times a week, and go on fun and frivolous vacations a few times a year.   I drive and insure my own vehicle, completely support myself financially, and have lived outside of my parents' home for over four years.  I have a master's degree, an established "career", and family obligations.  I have my own color scheme for my living room, and the thing that makes me feel most like an adult -- I have my own Holiday decorations that could not be more different than my mother's.

While 27 isn't old, I spent most of my time with younger people.  One of the weirdest things about teaching is that the kids stay the same age (tenth graders are always about 15!), but you keep getting older.  When I started teaching, I was about five years older than my students.  Now I'm about ten years older than my students.  (It's a wee bit disorienting!)  My friends tend to be younger, even if only by a year.  And while I understand that there is very little difference between 26 and 27, being just that much older (and being reminded of it CONSTANTLY) is enough to freak me out.

I have gray hairs and use wrinkle creams nightly.  I put an absurd amount of money into my 403(b) so I will have enough to retire (only 28 years of teaching left!).  I am now much closer to 30 than I am to 20, and all of my friends can legally drink.

I like being 27.  It means that I have money and can do what I want, and I don't have to worry about the anxiety that comes with being a new college graduate.  I do legitimately feel like a real grown up (most of the time.  Kind of.)

But, as 27 eeks closer to 30, I've realized that I have some things I'd like to do.  I'm not really scared of 30, so much as it's a nice artificial measuring tool.

So, without further ado, (half of) my 30 before 30

1. Go to South America
I had the great pleasure of getting to live in England with one of my best friends for four months.  We had what we call our "great European Honeymoon" and traveled all over Europe.  While I'd like to go back to Europe, I'd also like to go to South America.  From everything I've heard and seen, it's wonderful.  Easily doable

2.  Go ziplining.
This just seems like fun.  Potentially something to do in South America?

3.  Go Sky Diving.
Yes, I have a fear of heights.  Yes, I realize that I will be throwing myself out of a plane and toward the ground.  Which is hard.  And I have a poor sense of direction.  Still, seems like fun.  Tentative date:  This Spring!

4.  Finish a marathon in under five hours.
I've run three marathons.  I finished them all in OVER five hours.  I'm fine with my finishing times, especially for the last two, where I REALLY didn't train.  I think that if I did train, I would actually have a decent finishing time.  So, despite the fact that I said after I ran the NYC marathon this year that I would NEVER do it again, I'm going to do it again.  Preferably in New York.

5.  Learn how to apply eye make up.
I don't wear a lot of make up.  In fact, I don't really wear make up ever.  I never got into putting it on in high school where it seems like everyone else is.  Then I started dating a boy who despised make up, and thought I was much prettier without it.  (maybe all the wrinkle creams helped?).  Because of this, I never really learned how to apply it.  I can put eye shadow and mascara on, but no matter what colors or what techniques I use, I always look the same.  I'd like to learn how to put on eye liner, make a smoky eye, and make my eyes look bigger.  Definitely doable.

6.  Learn how to blow dry my hair
I have naturally curly hair.  And, in the infinite wisdom that comes with being the ripe old age of 27, I've learned to accept the texture and color of my hair.  I prefer my hair curly.  I think it curly nicely and gives definition to my face.  The men in my life prefer my hair curly.  As a result of this, I've just rocked the curls for the last thirteen or so years.  However, there is something to be said about the drama of the change up.  When I had my hair blown out last year for the first time in about four years, people were speechless.  It's nice to change things up.  But paying $80 for a blow out just isn't worth it.  So, I'd like to learn how to blow dry my hair.  It seems like a necessary life skill.

7. Learn American Sign Language.
Y'all, I'm the language learning slacker here.  Two of my roommates are fluent in two different languages.  I grew up in a neighborhood where a number of my peers were bilingual because their families were.  The only language that every really stuck in my brain was American Sign Language.  I started signing when I was ten because I read a book about Helen Keller, and all of that has stayed with me.  ASL would be a super helpful to in the classroom and for my career, and honestly, I just find it interesting.  So, before I'm 30, I'd like to become proficient at ASL.

8.  Make a "Turducken".
Part of my feeling like a grown up comes from learning to cook.  Despite the fact that my great-grandfather was a renowned chef and my great grandmother was an amazing cook, no one in my immediate family cooks.  We had family dinners every night growing up, but it was largely really simple things or things out of boxes.  In my mind, there's no "Mom's meatloaf" or "Grandma's pie."  When I started living on my own, I started making things from scratch, and realized that it really wasn't all that difficult.  I've added a lot of recipes to my repetoire, and I really like seeing what I can do.  But a turducken is legit.  That means I will have graduated from "Yeah, ok, this isn't that bad" to "OMG, there are THREE BIRDS in there!"

9.  Make a "large" purchase.
I rent.  And I bought my car outright for less than $6000 when I was in college.  I've never made a "big purchase."  It's one of the things that keeps me from feeling like a grown up.  At some point in the next three years, I'd like to make a big purchase.  Whether it's a car, a home, a horse, or a really fancy piece of jewelery, I'd like to make a "big purchase" of my own.

10.  Take ballroom dancing classes.
I came of age in the time of Dawson's Creek.  And any of y'all the watched Dawson's know that Pacey and Joey's first romantic inklings came from when they took ballroom dancing courses together so Joey could get a scholarship that didn't exist.  And the night that episode aired, I asked my now ex boyfriend to take ballroom classes with me.  And as a thirteen year old boy, he agreed!  When we start dating about four years later, we joked about going for these lessons.  In the ten years we dated, we never took those lessons.  I did take lessons at my women's college with one of my friends, and we had a grand old time, but I learned how to lead.  I'd like to take them.  Where I could learn how to dance the girl parts.  You never know when you're going to need to waltz!

So, here you have a third of my 30 before 30!  Do any of you have goals like this?

Reflecting on the year of "Why Not?"

  
                                                    
                                                    Source: thehollywoodgossip.com
I've never been big on resolutions.  Sure, I make New Year's resolutions, like every other person in the world, but I've never been great about keeping them.  Something about lifestyle change in January is hard to make a reality.

Last January, however, I decided that 2011 was the year of "Why not?"

Allow me to explain.  2010 had been a fairly crappy year for me.  Mostly, my father's illness had clouded most of it, and right as things were starting to look up, he died.  And that same week I got a UTI which subsequently turned into a kidney infection.  My life was AWESOME.  I had spent a lot of 2010 with my mother and my father, never straying far from home in case one of them needed me.  I'm glad I had that time with my family, but it was not the fun life of a twenty-six year old.  I had started to become preoccupied with the idea of getting married, and watching my friends slowly get engaged while I was inching out the last of my full strength Cipro was just a little more than I could handle.

One of the parenting blogs I read (Yes.  I read parenting blogs for fun.  No, I don't have any children.) said that Robert Pattinson was making 2011 the year of "Why not?"  And "Why not?" sounded awesome to me.  Add to the fact that 2011 was the year of my five year college reunion, and we had ourselves a plan.

Let me tell you, the year of "Why not?" was AWESOME.  it applied to every part of my life.  "Why not?" made me start living more and stop just sitting around.  "Why not?" made me do things I wouldn't normally have done.  Stay out for an extra beer?  Why not?  Dinner in midtown on a Wednesday?  Why not?  Cruise to the Bahamas?  Why not?  Snowboarding even though you'll probably just fall on your tush?  Sure, why not?

The year of "Why not?" included three vacations (including a cruise to the Bahamas on Royal Caribbean.  Their motto is "Why not?"!), three weekend trips, making new friends, reintroducing drinking back into my life, learning how to cook, my much anticipated and amazing five year college reunion, and a week of celebrating my birthday!  The year of "Why not?" made me unafraid to try new things, even if they failed.  It made me take back my life as a twenty-six year old and start doing the things I wanted to do.  The year of "Why not?" gave me the courage to remember that I was young and had every right to be happy in all aspects of my life.

2011 was awesome for me.  Not because it was all peaches and unicorns, but because it helped me remember the seventeen year old girl that I was ten years ago, and just how much she wanted from life.  It helped me to remember that I was not defined by my relationship or by my job, but by the things that I did and wanted.

Even though 2012 has its own motto, I still find myself asking, "Why not?"

And if there isn't a good reason not to, I just do it.

The Resolutions Start Tomorrow

New Year's Eve is my favorite holiday. It is a day of new beginnings, fresh starts, and leaving bad things behind (at least in theory.). New Year's Eve is a holiday with almost no obligation--you can spend it with the people you choose, not the family you were born into. There is no wrong way to celebrate, and you can do whatever you see fit. It is all about fun. Tere are no presents to buy or great aunts whose questions you need to artfully avoid. It is a young person's dream. It is a great day, and up until this year, it was also my anniversary.

January 1st, 2012 would have been our ten year anniversary. I started dating my long term boyfriend on what was technically New Year's Day in 2002. In the middle of the night, he came to my house and joined in on the party that was going on. We kissed in a chair in my parents' basement, and we were basically together since. Almost ten years, five years of long distance, two apartments, five roommates, and all the experiences of growing up together. Our story ended as quietly as we began, and we went our separate ways earlier this year.

This New Year's Eve would have been our tenth anniversary. It also should have been the weekend we were getting married. We had talked vaguely of a New Year's Eve wedding, figuring a Saturday night and our tenth anniversary would be a great time to make the whole thing official. It was just an idea, but it was the first real idea we had about our future. Even though last January it became clear that marriage was not where we were headed, our New Year's Eve wedding still existed in my mind. As someone who has dreamed of getting married for years, it was sad to see it pass.

Even though it is sad to watch a potential wedding date come and go, as we passed through yesterday and today, I found that I was almost happy. I am really glad we aren't getting married. We weren't right and we weren't happy, and rather than doing what was expected of us and taking the next step, we chose to go our separate ways. Of course it is sad that my relationship ended, but going through a divorce would have been far worse.

I am sad, but also happy. Happy to know that there is a lot more out there. Happy because I hope each of us finds happiness elsewhere. Happy because even though I know I have "never been wed", I know that day is still ahead of me. I can go back to loving weddings for weddings' sake and there not being stakes or implications behind a color pattern or a motif.

I should have been leaving on my honeymoon tomorrow. Instead, I will be walking my college friend to the train and going to trivia. And honestly, I think that's great.